This morning I was at school, now I am at camp.
It's so weird being here without so many people I love. (Jordan, Matan, Alana, Gilad, Lili, Emily, Evan, etc to name a few). I don't like that part of it at all. I started crying during services today, just overwhelmed with the emotions and stress of this past week, with the emotions of being back up at camp, and with the heavy, heavy weight of the absence of the people I love from this place.
I felt weird coming back to camp for Fall Camp last year, too. I remember, I felt alienated and uncomfortable and just generally like a homesick camper. I wanted to go home, and just counted my way through the hours until I was able to go back to school. (I miss the person who got me through the weirdness of that weekend, I really, really do. But I don't know how to get back to him, or even if I should. Either way, things have changed. It wouldn't, couldn't, the the same).
This, again, is my first time back after the summer, but this time is different. It is compounded by the loss of the people who made this past summer one of the best I have ever had at camp, and also by this overwhelming notion that I am in a very, very different place from where I was this time a year ago. A lot of things have changed, yes, but some good things have also stayed the same. I still appriciate this place and everything it has done for me. (I told RS last night that this place had shaped me and made me who I was more than any school ever had. He was impressed, maybe surprised, but I meant it.) I still thank the people who have made this place what it is for me, who have given me so much out of it.
But I wonder sometimes, whether all these weird feelings are there to tell me that it is time to move on. Maybe this was my last summer, maybe this is my last Fall Camp, but then again, maybe it's not. I know that no summer would be truly complete without camp, and that is has been a huge part of my life for so long, so I am in no way ready to make the choice about whether things are coming to an end or not, but I do know that I can safely say that they are changing. And that, though incredibly scary, might just be a good thing.
It's so weird being here without so many people I love. (Jordan, Matan, Alana, Gilad, Lili, Emily, Evan, etc to name a few). I don't like that part of it at all. I started crying during services today, just overwhelmed with the emotions and stress of this past week, with the emotions of being back up at camp, and with the heavy, heavy weight of the absence of the people I love from this place.
I felt weird coming back to camp for Fall Camp last year, too. I remember, I felt alienated and uncomfortable and just generally like a homesick camper. I wanted to go home, and just counted my way through the hours until I was able to go back to school. (I miss the person who got me through the weirdness of that weekend, I really, really do. But I don't know how to get back to him, or even if I should. Either way, things have changed. It wouldn't, couldn't, the the same).
This, again, is my first time back after the summer, but this time is different. It is compounded by the loss of the people who made this past summer one of the best I have ever had at camp, and also by this overwhelming notion that I am in a very, very different place from where I was this time a year ago. A lot of things have changed, yes, but some good things have also stayed the same. I still appriciate this place and everything it has done for me. (I told RS last night that this place had shaped me and made me who I was more than any school ever had. He was impressed, maybe surprised, but I meant it.) I still thank the people who have made this place what it is for me, who have given me so much out of it.
But I wonder sometimes, whether all these weird feelings are there to tell me that it is time to move on. Maybe this was my last summer, maybe this is my last Fall Camp, but then again, maybe it's not. I know that no summer would be truly complete without camp, and that is has been a huge part of my life for so long, so I am in no way ready to make the choice about whether things are coming to an end or not, but I do know that I can safely say that they are changing. And that, though incredibly scary, might just be a good thing.
1 comment:
Your feelings are strangely familiar to me as well when I started last summer, and this summer at camp. A good majority of my closest camp friends were never the people my age, and most of my friends left a couple summers ago. It's kind of odd when you go back, but you always seem to make new friends and though they don't ever replace the feelings you had the previous summer, it isn't necessarily worse - just different.
As for this past summer being your last, it's something i thought was going to happen to me pretty surely a couple summers ago, and i'm almost positive i won't be back full-time in 09 - but I know that could easily change, even though I'm not sure how just yet.
Change is scary, especially at camp. The place reinvents itself and recreates itself all the time as the people come and go, but the core stays the same and you'll always be able to get as much out of it each year if you want it.
I miss it.. kinda wish I was able to come last weekend. :-)
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